


To love is to lose

by joatlas



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, F/F, Fake Character Death, M/M, Minor Injuries, Not Canon Compliant - Star Trek: Discovery, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22701424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joatlas/pseuds/joatlas
Summary: What if Amok Time but Jim was hopelessly in love with Spock and Michael & T'Pring were girlfriends?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, Michael Burnham/T'Pring
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82
Collections: Starfleet Gang





	To love is to lose

Jim was beamed into the dry, hot Vulcan air. It was suffocating and he had to shut his eyes for a brief second. Take it in. Think. 

In different circumstances he would’ve enjoyed the feeling of the sun on his skin. 

“God damn it’s as if we’re in an oven.” Bones grumbled just behind him. “Hot as Vulcan now I get what that phrase means.”

In different circumstances Spock would have given him a snarky remark for his statement but he remained silent, though Jim could feel his presence without even turning around. 

His wife. They had gone from the bridge to the beaming station in uncomfortable silence. Both him and Bones had tried multiple times to ask more questions about this woman and their relationship but most of the time Spock hadn’t even bothered to look in their direction and simply stared in the distance, still visibly trying to contain himself. Not willing to spark another burst of anger from his first officer, Jim had abandoned the idea of trying to get more out of him. Still, his wife. Wife. That was a strange ringing in his ear. Quite painful, he had to admit. 

Before he could ask anything - where they were exactly, why Spock had asked to land here precisely, what they were supposed to do - Spock started walking at a calm but swift pace in front of them towards a short flight of stairs that led to a peculiar building. After a puzzled look at his CMO, Jim followed him. A row of columns that appeared very ancient formed a circle around a central statue ; or was it a statue? He did not know exactly, though he assumed it was some sort of temple or sacred place. 

Jim, stopping under the columns with Bones to enjoy the shade, did not take his eyes off his first officer as he kept walking towards the center. In his mind was only the face of the woman that had contacted them, T’Pring, Spock’s wife. Pretty. No, not just pretty, surely one of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he had seen his fair share of them. Oh, Jim had been foolish, he had. Somehow he had imagined, fantasized, that there could be more to the long nights he and his first officer spent discussing theories and diplomacy and playing chess. He had thought he’d seen a glimpse of something in Spock’s resolute eyes when he gazed at him from across the room. Jim was a fool. 

“What the hell is he doing?” Bones complained. 

Spock had lifted his hand, ready to strike on a strange-looking gong in the middle of the circle, before a voice emerged from the otherside of the building. 

“Spock! Wait!”

A woman walked towards them, with Vulcan hair and dressed in traditional Vulcan clothing, though Jim immediately saw from her features that she was in fact Human, around thirty years old, maybe more, he could not really say. The mystery of the whole ordeal was growing more complicated by the second. 

“We need to talk.” she said to him  
“I cannot speak with you. The ceremony needs to start.” Spock answered coldly. 

Jim was tired of standing there, not understanding any of the events. He was the Captain, and Spock’s friend, wasn’t he?

“Excuse me, may I ask who you are? And what is going on?” he asked loudly. 

After a quick, mildly angry look at Spock, she walked in their direction, while introducing herself. 

“My name is Michael Burnham. I’m a quantum physics researcher at the Vulcan Science  
Center. And I’m Spock’s sister.”  
“Spock’s sis…. Wait a second Spock you have a sister _and_ a wife you haven’t told us about? What’s next? Five kids?” Bones laughed. “Can you fucking believe this?” he directed at Jim. “Seriously though, please tell me you do not have five kids Spock.”  
“I do not have children, no, Dr McCoy.” he said, walking in their direction.  
“That’s out of the way I suppose.”

Jim tried to no to take it personally, though the fact that a man he considered one of his closest friends had not told him such essential information was hurtful. He looked at Spock. Really looked. Waited for him to lock his eyes onto his own. He did not. Jim sighed. 

“Well it’s really nice to meet you Michael. I’m Jim Kirk, Spock’s…” he was tempted to say friend but he didn’t know anymore “...Captain.”  
“I know.” she simply answered, ominously. 

He didn’t know if it was from good or bad reputation, or from Spock, and frankly he didn’t feel like asking. There are some things one is better off ignoring. 

Jim looked at Spock again. Clearly he was trying to keep his cool, but boiling inside, at any second he could launch into a new fit of anger. Michael turned to face him. 

“Spock, can this please wait until tomorrow morning? I know we haven’t been on the best of terms but...” She bit her lower lip. “We’ll find something to help you sleep and at dawn we will start.”

Spock inhaled very slowly, which was uncanny of him. Then again, everything about him was uncanny in the state he was in. 

“No.” he simply said.  
“But Sp-”  
“There cannot be any delay.” His voice rose, dark and deep.  
“Brother I need it… Do not force me to explain. You know I need time.”

Spock looked at the ground for an instant, before he turned away from her towards Bones.  
“Can something be arranged, Doctor?”

Bones looked surprised at first. 

“I think so. I have sedatives in there that could knock down three horses.”

Spock turned again towards Jim. His eyes finally locked into his and his lips seemed to faintly tremble for an instant. Not looking away, he said in his usual authority. 

“I agree. At dawn.”

_______________________________

Once the impromptu guests had settled in the family home, Michael walked the alley towards her house, which was not far. Her eyes were fixed on the small cloud of dust she made with her shoes dragging her feet on the ground. The moment she had dreaded for seventeen years had arrived. She felt numb, useless. She had tried to imagine every scenario, every possibility. The first years her and T’Pring had been together, this prospect had been everywhere in her mind and kept her awake at night. She felt like a clandestine, as if they were stealing moments they did not have a right to have. But Spock turned twenty. Then twenty-five. By the time he’d turned thirty they had settled. It was not going to happen. After all, his human genes had won on one aspect. They could have their life and be happy. People by then were used to seeing them together, did not raise an eyebrow that they lived in the same house, had two pets and went to ceremonies together. Considering everything that had happened with Michael’s family, frankly, people couldn’t be surprised anymore. Michael had spent a few years here and there on missions, but she longed for a quiet life on Vulcan with T’Pring so she came back to her always, until she found a permanent position at the Science Center. They were happy. At least until today. 

She waited a second before she opened the door. She looked at the sun, still bright despite the late hour, as it was on the planet. She looked at the flowers growing in their garden and listened to the faint hum of the wind. Through the window she could see the outline of T’Pring’s body, surely meditating in the living room, as always gracious and stoic. 

She was hers for the last time. 

Usually, she would’ve stepped into the house without too much noise and retreated to the bedroom until T’Pring had done meditating and joined her. This time she rose as soon as Michael entered and looked at her gravely. Something inside Michael wanted to break down crying and something else refused. So she stood there and avoided her gaze, reaching out for her hand. T’Pring, of course, always knew her mind. More than simply seeing it, reading it, she understood Michael more than anyone else would ever hope to. She saw everything. On the other hand the Vulcan had always been a mystery to Michael, everytime she felt she came close to truly grasping her entirely, a door opened again, and her love for her became an infinite maze. After all, she had the mind of a scientist, there was nothing she loved more than trying to decipher the vast and the unknown. 

They both knew not to talk, and T’Pring simply lifted her hand to her cheek, gently, and guided her to the bedroom, where they made love as if they wished it would make everything else go away. It did not. 

Michael intended to stay awake until the final hour, she dreaded losing any minute she could have. Therefore she looked annoyed when she woke up from a short nap, her head resting on T’Pring’s laps, who was gently caressing her upper arm, lost in thought. It was the Human who broke the silence. 

“I remember the _koon’ul_.”

T’Pring did not seem to react. 

“It was my first time wearing a traditional dress. God it itched. All I wanted to do was take it off.” She laughed faintly. “You were so tall compared to him and I remember trying to figure out the number of hours you had to have spent doing your hair. I didn’t know what the Bond meant either. Amanda tried to explain it all to me but I think she herself was confused about what it was.”

Her hand went to Michael’s head and cupped it, stroking her cheek lightly with her thumb.

“Do you feel him more now that he’s here?”  
“I do.”  
“How is he?”

She seemed to ponder the question and pursed her lips. 

“With you so close I could not know. But earlier, during my session, I tried to feel him. His mind is troubled from the fever.”  
“I have been the witness of that. If only our brother was still around he would know what to say to him, how to calm him.”  
“Sybok always had a way with words.”

It was a compliment, coming from her. Sometimes, Michael wondered why they always talked about him as if he was dead, but then again he kind of was.

“The two men with him. One is Jim?”  
“Yes… Wait. Have you seen him? In his mind?”

T’Pring nodded. 

“He is special, intimate, deeply intertwined with his emotions.”

When the realization hit Michael she felt for Jim. She wished she could comfort him and tell him she knew what he was going through. There, in the arms of her lover, her partner, her wife -though technically they were not married by Vulcan standards, they were in spirit-, she could not resign to let it all go for the sake of conventions. She also knew it was either that or let her brother suffer a cruel and painful death. There was no choice. Michael, though, couldn’t help but be the hero. She had to admit she thought about asking T’Pring to provoke a challenge between her and Spock. For honor, for showing she did not give up. She would lose, but she would not have backed down. Was it even imaginable for her to simply stay quiet as T’Pring slept away? It was so painful to even think about that dying at the hands of her brother seemed almost reasonable in comparison. Slowly she drifted to sleep again and she felt T’Pring stealing a kiss from her lips just as her eyes started closing. 

________________________________

Jim was leaning against the wall of the living-room, waiting for Spock to emerge, which would happen any second now, as Bones was monitoring him. He saw Michael coming from the alley leading to the house and immediately reacted when she opened the door. 

“He will wake up any minute now.” He said seriously, before he added. “Nice dress, you look ravishing.”

Jim could simply never refrain from complimenting a woman. Or a man. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Michael did not look impressed in the slightest and looked at him darkly, lifting an eyebrow. He smirked.

“Wow, you really are Spock’s sister.”

Michael had worked with humans several times in her life, and for long missions, but it had been a few years since a stranger had been this casual with her. Small talk had never been her specialty, the Vulcan upbringing did not help. 

“Do you know his wife?” Jim asked, genuine. 

He wanted to know if she would be good for him, that was all his curiosity was about. Not jealousy of course, even though she was the most gracious woman he’d ever seen. 

“Yes.”

He found Michael’s smile strange. 

“One of your friends? Because she didn’t seem very…”  
“Very?”  
“She was intimidating, is what I mean.”  
“Oh that. Yes she is.” Michael smiled, with warmth, her eyes suddenly softening. “She has been intimidating me daily for seventeen years.”

Jim’s mouth gaped but before he could say something Bones interrupted them. 

“He’s up. But he’s barely holding up we need to go do whatever the fuck this is about, and very fast.”

Jim immediately reverted to his Captain self.

“Let’s go then. No time to lose.”

___________________________________

Soon, they were all gathered again around the columns. Jim and Bones standing back, Michael and T’Pring amongst the small group of Vulcans, Spock in the center, waiting near the gong. The two men from the Enterprise were clueless as to the entire process, and were clearly made to feel as if they did not belong, and were not allowed to see what they were seeing. Jim studied the aged face of T’Pau when she spoke, as if he could understand something from her. The truth was he could not read any Vulcan except Spock, he was the only one he could see through, and only rarely did he manage that. The pain in his chest was growing stronger as he saw T’Pring approach him. 

He should’ve said something to him. Anything. Now that he knew his wife was taken too and they would both be unhappy. Maybe he owed it to Spock, for the many times he had saved him from trouble, even though that was his job. He should’ve gone to his room last night and told him about how some nights all he could picture when he closed his eyes were his lips on his. But he did not, he stayed awake in the guest room bed, like a coward, accepting his fate. Jim had never been scared of anything but he was scared of that. He was scared of loving him and scared of losing him. 

Jim was taken out of his thought by T’Pring shouting something in Vulcan. The music stopped. He figured something was going wrong and turned his head towards Bones with a puzzled look. When he looked at Spock again, his expression was full of fear and disbelief, he doubted he had ever seen him so expressive. Fearing to say any words to disturb the ceremony, he tried to turn to look at Michael. He saw the same shock on her face.

T’Pau’s voice rose and resonated between the columns of stone. 

“T’Pring. You have chosen the challenge. Choose your champion.”  
“What is this again? Gladiators?” Jim heard Bones muffle.

He did not react, as he was too interested in the stares T’Pring and Michael were giving each other, as if they were having a silent conversation, Michael frowning and T’Pring slightly raising her eyebrows. He was lost. Slowly, the bride started walking towards the group, her hands locked in a traditional gesture. 

“As it was in the dawn of our days…” she recited.

Jim clenched his fist, seeing Spock in the background, struggling to keep it together, afraid. 

“As it is today…”

Michael behind him twitched, her heart beating. She thought maybe her lover had read her determination in her mind, had decided it was better if it went this way. She was willing indeed, if it was the tradition. Her muscles strengthened, preparing for what was to come. 

“As it will be for all tomorrows…”

T’Pring was resolute and yes… intimidating. As ever, even Michael thought so.

“I make my choice.”

There was a pause where she was very near to Michael and gave her a sideway look. 

“Him.”

I took Jim a second before he realized she was pointing at him. The champion? What did it mean? Was he going to have to fight Spock for this woman he did not know? He would never, he could not. Before he could say anything, Michael stepped out in front of him, looking right at T’Pau. She had to make it right.

“No. I am the one.” she said resolutely. “I claim the right. She is…”  
“Stop.” T’Pau rose from her chair, and Michael quickly realized nothing was to be done by the deadly look in her eyes.  
“Forgive me.” she went back to her place immediately, fighting back tears of rage. 

Jim was so baffled he could not even ask what was going on. The chain of events did not make sense. If he had to fight Spock, then he had to win so he could then refuse the marriage and they would be free. But how could he win? He could barely breathe in this heat and his friend was… well… unhinged to say the least. And way stronger than him. He had to accept or Spock would die of his strange fever. 

Before he knew it he was standing in front of Spock, he could hear his loud, animal-like breathing, he could see the dread and fear in his eyes. Spock had tried to plead, despite his state, tried to get Jim out of this. But Jim did not listen, he could only see this going well. 

Fight to the death. The gong. His heart stopping. The sun burning his eyes. Michael’s red dress in the crowd. The sound of embers from the central fire. Everything was suddenly dizzy around him. He almost felt like he would collapse. His feet guided him. Left. Right. Right again. Push him. Adrenaline was the only thing keeping him on his feet. Think of something Jim Kirk. You better damn well think of something. The feeling of Spock’s body against his was suffocating his thoughts. Finally he was pushed down on the ground, blood dripping from his chest, the world turning around him, not even able to see Spock’s face or silhouette. He did see Bones’ face. 

“I’m giving you something so you can stand the heat.” 

As Bones pressed his kin, he opened his eyes and felt better instantly. But with that came more lucidity. Spock was trying to kill him. He was not himself but still. What was the outcome of this? Kill Spock, he could never even fathom. Let Spock kill him and live with the guilt and the pain? Spend the rest of his life in a federation prison anyways? All of this because T’Pring had decided so? 

From afar, Michael watched, T’Pring just in front of her. It looked like Spock was capable of anything, even killing the one T’Pring had described as so intimate and so close to him. The fever was messing with his mind so much it was terrifying, as he had always been such a kind and shy soul. Why had T’Pring wanted this? What did she see that Michael did not? 

Their bodies moved around in the sand again and Michael refrained from gasping as her brother almost threw the captain’s head into the fire. She was disgusted by such a ridiculous spectacle allowed by traditions, but Vulcans never wanted to change anything. They never wanted to acknowledge that maybe they were wrong. Her lover had gone through the fever several times over the years, she knew how it was and she knew how easy it was to heal it. All of this was unnecessary. But did Spock even know that? The pursuit of logic above all was all important until it came to contradict stupid ceremonies. Michael saw Spock’s hand lift and struck the Captain’s head with a terrifying rage, she saw Jim’s body suddenly lifeless on the ground. Maybe T’Pring had simply done this so Michael would stay alive, but even if she could be calculating, such cruelty she could not imagine from her. Not after what she had said about Jim last night and the way she had said it. Spock struck again but it was done. 

_____________________________________

Michael did not react at the sound of the door, still sitting cross-legged on the meditation mat in the middle of the living room, her head bent down, trying to react. She did not meditate like Vulcans did, she did not have the same need for it, but she sometimes sat like them to relax and try to clear her thoughts. 

T’Pring’s voice was accompanied by a tingling inside of her, something pulling her eyes up. She refused to look up regardless. 

“Michael.” T’Pring said firmly. 

Hearing no answer she reiterated.

“Michael.”

Michael’s teeth clenched. 

“I do not want to hear what you have to say.”  
“Ashay-”  
“Stop.” She swallowed. “Please leave.”

T’Pring’s back straightened more and her eyes seemed hesitant for just an instant. 

“I had logically imagined that they would have a plan, as Starfleet officers are trained to deal with diplomatic crises and critical situations of this type.” She explained. “It was the only way.”  
“The only way to what? Be together? Do you think I want to? A man died because of you today, a good man, and you destroyed my brother’s life forever. He will never forgive himself. What do you think you have accomplished exactly?”

Michael had started to stand up but instead she was now on her knees, her face in her hands. 

“I could not accept being his wife, belonging to him, bearing his children. I am only yours.” T’Pring said slowly. 

Michael sighed and finally stood up. She looked at her lover, her eyes reflecting sadness. She had looked at her countless times in all of these years and only know did she really see it, what always terrified other people in T’Pring, that indefectible will, that unbreakable determination, the feeling that nothing could ever get in her way and she was always to possess everything she desired. This realization sent a shiver through her body and she immediately started towards the door. It was a short walk to her parent’s house. 

_______________________________

Jim was lying on the med bay bed, propped up on his elbow.

“Surprise him! That damned Vulcan is gonna have a heart attack.” McCoy laughed.  
“Yeah, the two of us dead in less than 24 hours, hilarious.” Jim rolled his eyes.  
“Come on! Don’t you wanna see the look on his face?”  
“Goddammit not everything is a joke Bones!” Jim paused and sighed. “But you’re right I _do_ wanna see the look on his face.”  
“He’s finally gonna _have_ a look on his face, the bastard.” He laughed. “Go in the other room he’ll be there any minute.” 

Jim did feel like a schoolgirl at that moment, but it was his way to make things feel a little… lighter. Spock was probably devastated at that moment. He was knocked out of course but Bones had told him everything that had transpired. It had been quite a show. Of the Shakespearian kind.  
“Doctor.” Spock’s voice was unusually deep, as if he had a throat ache. “I believe my biological state has been reverted to its usual parameters. You can bioscan me to confirm this assessment based on my own observations.”  
“Of course Spock.” Bones agreed. 

There should have been a small silence, and Jim was ready to walk casually into the room, but Spock spoke gravely again.

“Doctor you also need to know…”

Bones arched an eyebrow. His turn for once.

“Jim was dearer to me than anyone. I admit… If only the circumstances had not been as they are… I may-”  
“You may what Spock?” Jim emerged from the other room, a grin on his face (he couldn’t help it).  
“Jim!” the Vulcan exclaimed and, for just a second, his face entirely beamed, as he held on to the Captain’s shoulders. A smile.

They stared at each other and for a moment they were the only ones for two galaxies at least and nothing else existed. 

For just an instant, before Spock’s face reverted. His mouth descended, his eyebrows lowered, his eyes shined a little less and he let go of Jim. He was again the Spock he always knew. It had been worth it to surprise him. 

“It is a relief that you are alive, Captain.” Spock straightened his uniform and avoided looking at him. 

Bones coughed to break the silence and sighed. 

“I’ll leave you, I need a… a nap.” he said hesitatingly as he went to the door. 

Jim’s grin widened as the two of them now stood there silent.

“Feel free to continue what you were saying to Bones, I’m all ears…”  
“It is no longer relevant.”  
“I think the contrary, Spock. I don’t think there’s ever been a more relevant thing to say.”

He crossed his arms, waiting. His first officer never lacked words. That was a first. 

“I simply intended to say…” Spock started, his eyes looking to the side, evading Jim’s. “That under other circumstances I may have expressed more directly to you my… admiration and gratitude… for the work you accomplish as Captain of this ship.”  
“Oh yes, an admiration that is strictly professional.” Jim was never trying to be annoying but he also was never trying not to be.  
“Not only no. It was not my intent to imply that… My care did not go past the boundaries of a working relationship or was platonic on all levels… If that was the case-”  
“Spock I just died.” Jim looked at him with a smile that could’ve lightened up an entire planet. “Cut it and kiss me.”

_________________________________

Michael would learn what had really happened two weeks later, from a transmission by her mother. By then she had already taken an urgent science mission for Vulcan and was looking through the window of a ship. She had time to think, and after all the stars were her home. To love is also, always, to lose.


End file.
